Foreign Soil
by Death Makes An Artist
Summary: Not all wars are fought with guns. Sometimes, they can only be fought with love. Sometimes, they have to be fought at home. Sometimes, that's the most foreign soil of all. AU - DKP & DMAA collaborative work.
1. Chapter 1

Foreign Soil

_Not all wars are fought with guns. Sometimes, they can only be fought with love. Sometimes, they have to be fought at home. Sometimes, that's the most foreign soil of all. _

A collaborative work between Dark Knight Princess and Death Makes an Artist

**Note: Hey, ya'll. This is a Casey/Cabot A.U fic for fun and because we can. We hope you enjoy; let us know what we can improve upon; and, as always, loves to the feedback and the reads.** Obviously, we make no profit from this and have no intentions of stealing the inventive ideas of the writers, producers, etc of the Law and Order franchise. It's for fun, ya'll. Have a good time. And, remember, don't make me use my jury voice with you. *wags finger*

_**Chapter One**_

Rolling over onto her back, her hand automatically searched the bed beside her, fingers finding cold sheets. They had been cold for a few days by that time, but she still was not accustomed to that half of the bed being empty, not after eleven months of it being warm and occupied. With a long sigh, Alexandra Cabot ran her hands through her hair. No, after eleven months in the assignment that finally put her lover back in New York from where she had been stationed, first in Afghanistan, then in Germany for two and a half years prior, the United States Army had ripped the small family apart again. For two years, they had managed at least bimonthly Skype calls, Alex always happy to take the call and to put down her file at the District Attorney's Office where she worked as the Chief Assistant District Attorney over the Special Victims Unit which handled the gambit from Child Abuse to Elder Abuse and Domestic Violence to Sexual Assault and everything in between. Alex had a love hate relationship with the unit she had worked with for nearly ten years. There had been a scare once when she had been shot courtesy of a drug cartel, but she had survived, and it never slowed her down. It was only the past three years that the case load had grown so large that she had put in for another Assistant District Attorney. One ADA quickly turned into a grand total of four of them handling the case load and Alex, with the most experience, had been handed over her own unit.

The work was good, though. They had five primary detectives they worked with and several more officers that were regulars. Plus, the unit in the NYPD had expanded to include other detectives on a part time basis - these three detectives bounced back and forth between Special Victims and other units, though the not so affectionately dubbed 'sex police' kept them pretty busy. Busy though it may have been, Alex could genuinely say that she went home at the end of the day satisfied, feeling like she had done an ounce of good, even though it frustrated her that her ounce of good was drowned in pounds of bad exercised by perpetrators, rapists and abusers who thought little of the impact they had on anyone else.

But, the burden she had carried had been lightened considerably by the fact that her war faring queen had been returned State side. It had been such a relief to get home and have her fiancée there. Granted, neither woman had particularly easy jobs. Where Alexandra dealt with the scum of New York every day, her soon to be wife's job involved hunting down and stopping terrorists before they struck and helping to find them in the event they were successful in attacking the United States or any of its allies. Both women had vastly rewarding careers, but with a cold bed at her back, Alex was not exactly thrilled that those rewards came with the price they did. But, it had been near five years ago when they met when a mutual case caused them to cross paths - actually, Alex's victim wound up being Casey's suspect - they had decided that for any spark between them to be pursued, they both had to accept that it might be a very long distance relationship at times if neither of them intended to give up her career.

_"Whoa, hi, what the hell do you think you're doing?" Alex asked the red haired woman in army fatigues as she marched into the interview room at the sixteenth precinct of the New York Police Department, two men with rather disquieting fire arms at their back following her like obedient dogs._

"I'm taking Sarah Rogers into custody for questioning in regards to a matter of national security," the woman said.

Alex shook her head. "She's a victim in my rape case," she protested knowing full well when military men and women came in and took over, there was little even she could do to fight it.

The red head shook her head, the two men falling into a ready stance behind her. "Negative. I'm Sergeant Casey Novak with the United States Army, and your victim is my prisoner. If you intend to pursue questioning with her in regards to your case, you will need clearance from my superiors." She turned to the men behind her, nodding in an authoritative manner. "Go ahead and take the prisoner into custody."

The two unidentified men moved, taking the woman and cuffing her behind her back. As they marched her out of the room, Alex grabbed Casey's shoulder.

"Sergeant Novak, where's your arrest warrant?"

"I don't need one," Casey retorted.

Alex nodded once. "She's suspected of terrorism, then. International or domestic?"

The woman seemed surprised, but the shock wore away in less than a heartbeat, and if Alex had not been standing so close, she would not have noticed. "I'm not at liberty to discuss the matter with anyone, Counselor. Good day."

"International, then," Alex muttered under her breath, already planning on how she was going to have to adjust her case for this hiccup.

But, Alex had gotten permission to speak with her victim again, and it was in the cold rooms of the federal agency building that Alex came to see Casey on a regular basis. At first, it was in both a civilian and military court, and they would argue constantly. Casey was not an attorney, but she was smart and quick, and the JAG attorney with her seemed content to let the red head take the reins except when the argument spilled out in front of the judge where he stood to speak.

Arguments turned into accidental meetings while Alex was at the federal building. Accidental turned into intentional on Alex's part who found herself enjoying butting heads with the crimson haired warrior. It was not until Alex returned from court one day to find Casey in her fatigues sitting in Alex's chair, feet on her desk, reading through the file regarding their mutual participant, that she realized intentional may have been more than one sided.

_"You can't read those," Alex bristled, snatching the file away._

Casey sat up, staring up at the blond with fierce eyes through her white complexion. "Then you need better security," she challenged.

"What the fuck is your problem, Novak?" Alex snapped, having had more than enough. Her rape-murder case had just gotten dismissed by the judge for insufficient evidence with a two week cap on returning it to the docket with more evidence for a second, and last, shot. She was more than irked, and her rage was leaking out into the office. It was not like her, and she had everything under control up until the moment she had seen Casey. That was kind of her deal, the image of perfect control. And, everything was going well for the Ice Princess of the DA's office until a little flame entered her world.

Standing so they were level, Casey stepped forward, trapping Alex up against her desk. She was so close Alex could smell the cinnamon that seemed too follow Casey wherever she went. If she had not been angry, she might have closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. Still, Casey seemed to get closer until Alex fell back against the desk, leaning back slightly, fingers white from clutching the overhang. "I suspect, Cabot, that you have ulterior motives to raiding my case in the name of justice." Alex swallowed. "So, I'll cut crap and be honest. I've done some digging around. Detective Benson let slip a little something you probably wanted to keep secret, but, hey, I guess she's only human."

"What are you talking about?" Alex breathed, not sure she had nearly enough room to inhale, let alone talk.

Casey smiled. "I'm talking about seven months of your eyes following me when I leave the room, your gaze crawling over me when you didn't think I was paying attention. I thought you might be interested in women, Alex, and your dear, darling ex only confirmed it."

Biting her lip, Alex shrugged. She and Olivia Benson, a detective with Special Victims, had dated on and off for all of a year before neither one could handle the secrecy of dating while working in the same unit. So, they had split up but remained on friendly terms. More than once after a rough case, they had been more than friendly, but Alex had put a stop to that when she realized it was not Olivia she was imagining when they were in bed together - it was the Army sergeant.

"Fine. I'm bisexual. Would we be having this conversation if I were a man?" Alex snapped, the initial sense of intimidation she had felt from the woman invading both her office and her personal space fled, replaced with the anger that such a person would be saying such things to her.

Casey's smile spread to a Cheshire grin, her eyes dancing. "No," she said, and the tone caused Alex to narrow her eyes. "You may swing both ways, but I only swing one."

"Well, thank you. Then I'll do my best to avert my wandering eyes."

Frowning, Casey shook her head and laughed. "But, why? I appreciate those wandering gray eyes. It's a compliment coming from a very attractive woman. It's not often that I get a run for my money with intellect, either."

Suddenly, Alex felt her heart hammering in her throat. Her eyes were wide as she reached up, behind the sergeant, her fingers finding where she tucked her hair back into that bun she always wore whenever they saw each other. Alex pulled the bobby pin holding the bun on place, and the red cascade of hair tumbled down over Casey's back. With a little help from Alex, the rouge hair framed Casey's face, making her already brilliant green eyes pop and calling attention to the faintest spattering of freckles.

Time seemed slow as she wove her fingers into Casey's hair, pulling her closer. For a brief moment, she held them, their faces not even and inch apart, and she closed her eyes, inhaling the sharp but warm scent of cinnamon. She caught a hint of her own brown sugar lotion and immediately fell prey to their commingled scents.

Casey was the one who closed that last bit of space, pressing her lips firmly but gently against the ADA's. It was not a kiss that stayed chaste for long, and as Alex penetrated Casey's open mouth, tasting her, she realized the scent of cinnamon transferred to a taste as well with the sergeant's choice of chewing gum.

Stretching, Alex crawled out of the bed, pulling a robe over her shoulders. "Well, isn't that something," she muttered to herself, raking her hands through her hair. The sun was not even pushing up against the darkness. It seemed as though the night would last forever, moon hanging suspended in the velvet backdrop. Even in the perpetual light of the city, the moon hung large. As Alex moved the curtains aside, street light pouring in, she felt as though she could reach out and touch the moon, as though it were hung high just for her.

"When are you coming back, Casey?" she asked the moon, as though it might transmit messages between the women, separated by land and sea. In all truth, Alex did not know where Casey's assignment had taken her. Her lover had not been able to give her much in the way of details, and for all Alex knew, she could have been in the city doing something or she could have been sent down south to stay near and work at the Pentagon. All she knew was that it had been a good four days since she had touched the woman's milky skin. After thirty months, four days should not have been that difficult, but it seemed even harder.

Maybe it was because they were finally planning their wedding, and the anticipation was building. Alex had a dress, a delicate black number that hung off her shoulders with long sleeves and a skirt that ended just below her knees. It was not particularly traditional, but it did not matter. Casey's dress, however, was traditional, a reflection of her upbringing. It was cream with a small train and a soft sparkle. Sleeveless, it topped at her chest just low enough that it was easy to watch the rise and fall of her chest as she breathed. In fact, the act of breathing seemed accentuated.

Alex had promised Casey's father, a military man himself, but also a devout Catholic, that the wedding would take place in their family church, where Casey had grown up attending and still attended on the Sundays she was not deployed PR of on some mission. With new legislation in the state, New York was happy to marry the two women, and with an open minded congregation, the priest at the church was delighted as well. It really could not have worked out better. They were both incredibly lucky women.

Alex's father had died when she was an infant, and her mother had raised her alone, refusing to date with a young child in the house. When Alex had come out, her mother had only made her promise that being bisexual would mean that even if she ended up with a woman, she would still give her mother grandchildren. Alex, who wanted children, had readily agreed. When Alex brought Casey home, Jennifer, Alex's mother, had been tickled by the military woman's head strong tendency. It also delighted her mother, who had lost many an argument with the hot headed attorney daughter, that Casey was just as quick as Alex and could hold her own - though, when it came to the legal and political realms, Alex bested her partner with graceful ease.

They were very much lucky women, lucky to have fallen in love with each other, lucky to have the easy going parents that they did. Sometimes, Alex feared when that luck would run out.

The computer pinged from their shared office. It was mostly Alex's since Casey was gone so much and so much of her work could not leave the building at which she worked, but Casey had a desk and computer in there. Sitting at her own desk, Alex shook the mouse, waking the machine up. She stayed logged on to Skype whenever she was home, awake or not, and if she were gone, then Casey would often leave a sweet message behind either video or just voice depending.

"Hey," Alex purred as the signal connected and Casey's face flickered onto the screen. "I wondered when I'd hear from you."

"Hey, honey," Casey replied, clearly on a tablet of some kind. That was positive. It meant that she was not in the desert, a place which terrified Alex. She could handle the assignments in countries and cities that were fairly friendly with the military, but the way she imagined Iraq and Afghanistan was not friendly, even though Casey told her it was not that bad, especially considering her job - she was not infantry of any kind. What Casey did pretty much demanded a desk and high tech equipment. Camping aside, Casey had pretty much not seen a tent since she was promoted. Still, Alex could not help but be wary.

That she called her honey was a positive thing. Alex and Casey had quickly worked out a system of Casey being able to communicate whether or not she was around people, especially people who might have a problem with her lesbianism. If Casey called Alex 'sis' then it meant she was around people who did not know and probably should not know about her homosexual lifestyle. If she called Alex 'honey' then it meant she was alone or already out to those around her.

"Sorry I didn't get to check in sooner. I just got settled where I'm at," Casey continued. She turned the tablet to reveal a little room with a bed and desk. Off to the side, there appeared to be a doorway to either a large bathroom or small kitchen. "Looks like I'll be here a few months, though. Kinda crappy."

"It's a cute place. You promise to write?"

"If you promise to write back," Casey quipped. Alex nodded. "Good. I miss you. This bed is barely big enough for me, but I wish you were here."

Alex laughed. "It looks a lot like the place I stayed in The Hague."

"Mm. I remember. You sent pictures. Why'd you leave?"

Alex shrugged. She had done some legal adventuring while Casey was overseas. It had been the perfect opportunity for it, but once Alex had heard Casey was returning stateside, she had gone back to working in Special Victims to be with her partner. "I wanted to be with you. Though, if you wind up gone for a while, Case, I might go do something again. I told you INTERPOL contacted me through Amanda over at the federal prosecutor's office, right?"

"Yep. You know, that wouldn't be a bad idea, honey. It would give you a chance to really explore international law. I know politics is your passion. Who knows, maybe it'll help propel your career. Being a Chief ADA is great, but wouldn't being the DA be better?"

Laughing in a genuine yet dreamy manner, Alex nodded. "Oh, much better. How'd you know?"

"Ah, lovely lady, it's been years that I've known the very depths of your body, soul, and mind." Casey smiled play fully before cocking her head. "Although, you know, your mind still scares me sometimes."

"Me, too," Alex quipped with a mild giggle. A large part of Casey's career was a mystery to Alex, though she had long since learned to stop asking questions. Casey never answered them, anyway. "Will you be around long enough for me to get ready and get to work?"

"I have briefing in a little bit, but I'll ring you after if I can. If you're in the office, great. Do you have court today?"

"Motions at one on a serial sex assault case. Should be back in the office around two or so as long as everything goes well." Alex waved her hand dismissively. She really was not expecting things to go awry at the hearing. Most of the time, her cases were straightforward. They were seldom simple because she was the experienced one, the one the other DAs forfeited their confusing or complicated cases to, especially if they did not think they would win. Sometimes, she pushed the cases back onto the DAs, but sometimes, she took them. The case she mentioned to Casey was near and dear because two of the four victims in the case were Assistant District Attorneys from a neighboring jurisdiction. Alex had the case on special prosecution - though the women had been attacked in the next jurisdiction over, that jurisdiction could not prosecute due to the ADA victims in the case.

The man was a creep, too. Though she could not prove it, Alex was sure she had heard him whisper 'you're next, bitch' to her at the last hearing. She had been fighting bond the entire time, but she fought even harder following that.

"You're thinking awfully hard," Casey said, drawing Alex from her thoughts.

Shaking her head, the blonde shrugged. "Just getting into the mindset of this case."

"Don't delve too deep, Al. You'll give yourself nightmares again."

Sighing, the blonde leaned back in her chair. "Which of my dirty secrets don't you know?"

Casey laughed. "Not dirty, Alex. Having nightmares about what you do proves you're human. When you stop having nightmares, then I'll worry."

"I have nightmares about losing you. I know you can't tell me where you are, but are you at least somewhere safe?"

"Alex, I can take apart and put back together most firearms in my sleep and I know more ways to take a perp out than your detectives combined."

"I love you, Casey. That means I'm gonna worry."

Blowing Alex a kiss through the screen, Casey smiled. "I worry about you, too. I'm not going anywhere. Not when we're is close to being married and, who knows, maybe starting a family of little Alexes."

"Not while you still work overseas, Casey. I need you here before we start that kind of talk."

Casey shrugged. "I know, honey. I'm doing my best to make this as short as possible."

"I know," Alex purred, pressing two fingers to her  
Lips, then touching the screen. Casey did the same, and Alex smiled. "I love you. Talk to you soon."

"Not soon enough. I love you, Alex."


	2. Chapter 2

**_Chapter Two_**

**_((DKP))_**

The rain spilled out over the window, a constant down pour as the dreary skies of New York emptied its contents into the heart and soul of the city below. The day itself was rather cold, especially considering it was still the middle of November, and they had been known to expect some kind of frozen precipitation around that time of year.

Alex sighed glumly as she recalled that it had been almost a month since she had heard from her fiancée last. She stole a quick glance at the small calendar on her cell phone, making her very well aware that it was quickly nearing the Thanksgiving holiday. Her heart sank a little more when she realized that she was once again going to have to come to terms with having to spend yet another holiday alone. It was not that Alex did not enjoy the holidays; it was more of a matter of who would be absent during such a traditionally family orientated time.

Of course, Alex did enjoy the quality time that she so often spent with her mother, and Casey's family had always been more than accepting and welcoming of her, especially around holidays. It was just the fact that Casey would not be there with her that left her feeling empty and only the slightest bit forgotten. Alex knew how difficult her lover's job was, and it was more often than not that they would go months would out having any kind of contact between the two of them. But Alex knew fairly well of the rather large consequences that came with falling in love with a military woman. She and Casey had discussed such consequences on numerous occasions towards the budding start of their relationship.

_Alex snuggled further into Casey's side, reveling thoroughly in the usual warmth that was radiating off of her lover despite the freezing temperature of the bedroom. A content smile spread across her face when she felt a pair of well-toned arms slip protectively around her waist just as they had done several times before. From the outside looking in, their position looked like that of a typical lovers embrace, but the ever so observant attorney knew there was more going on; it was almost as if she could feel it._

_Sitting up from her comfortable spot of resting on Casey's shoulder, Alex propped herself up on her elbow, looking down at the red haired woman who seemed to have been staring up at the ceiling intently. "What are you thinking about?" she questioned quietly._

_Casey's eyes flickered away from her focused spot on the ceiling, and she turned so she was facing the concerned woman. She grabbed both of Alex's hands and kissed them softly, before softly caressing the backs of her fingers with her thumbs. "I'm just thinking about us…how we're going to do this." Casey mumbled, her quiet reply that meant so much more than was actually said._

_This caused Alex to nod sadly as she knew where this conversation was going. It was a conversation that she had hoped to avoid for as long as she possibly could, but she knew that her efforts were futile and she was only delaying the inevitable. "You mean how are we possibly going to maintain a stable relationship with me here and you anywhere else in the world?" the blonde murmured quietly, thoroughly saddened by the topic of discussion._

_Casey hesitated for a moment before she nervously began to chew on her lower lip. Her eyes cast downward as she focused on her hands that were still linked with Alex's. The simple gesture somehow gave Casey the courage she needed to continue. "I have to leave in three days." She said quietly, her heart sinking when she felt the slender hands that were nesting in her own go completely rigid._

_Alex visibly deflated into the mattress. She felt like her heart decided to take a sudden plunge into the pit of her stomach. She knew for a fact that she was falling hard for the crimson haired soldier, and the thought of being away from her was just all around repulsive. But at the very same time, these were things that Alex had often thought about but pushed in to the very back of her mind._

_"Can you tell me where you're going?" Alex mumbled hoping to at least get the slightest bit of information. She sighed heavily when she noticed Casey once again being completely hesitant and gnawing nervously on her lower lip. "Do you know when you'll be back?"_

_"I never know when I'll be back Alex, and that's what I was thinking about. This, this is a frequent thing, and considering my job, there are times that I will be gone for I don't know how long. Our relationship could end up being very long distant. It could be months, or possibly a year or two before I return."_

_Alex hung her head and slowly extracted her hands away from Casey's. She would have been lying if she had said that she was not at all pained by the news she had just received. "I know – I understand it will be hard, but I want this to work. I, I want us to work."_

_A small silence followed her statement before she felt the soft breath of lips meeting her own which she kissed back with nearly everything that she had, as if the simple kiss would have kept Casey from having to travel overseas. Bringing her hand over Casey's body and up her neck and cheek, Alex tangled her fingers in silky red locks and held their faces together for a long, passionate kiss._

_Casey was the first one to break the kiss, softly placing one last chaste kiss to Alex's lips before she pulled away and rested their foreheads together. "Will you wait for me?" she asked hopefully. She knew that what she was asking was a lot, and she really hated being the one to put Alex in that type of position. Truth to be told, she had no idea where she was going to be shipped off to; she just knew for a fact that it could very well be a long while before she returned._

_A tiny smile ghosted across Alex's features and she dipped her head once more giving the sergeant a soft peck on the lips. "I'll always wait for you." she purred in response, leaving just barely an inch between the two of them. It had been so long since she had a stable relationship, and despite the distance, she felt like that was exactly what she was going to get with Casey._

"Do you know when Casey will be returning, dear?" Alex's mother, Jennifer, asked as the two Cabot women sorted through the vast amount of holiday decorations that the older woman kept in her attic. Alex had once wondered why her mother wanted to start with decorating so early in the winter holiday season, but after many years of seeing the amount of decorating her mother did around the house, she understood the reasons behind the early start.

The younger blonde shook her head sadly as she recalled asking herself that same question that very same morning. With each passing day and not hearing from Casey, it seemed that Alex's worry grew and her fear heightened. What if something had happened and Casey could not contact her at all? What if there was some horrible incident and Casey was injured? Considering her job, it was only Alex's natural tendency to assume the worst.

"I'm sure that she is fine. Casey is a strong woman," Jennifer quipped happily. "And she has a strong woman in her life that she most definitely wouldn't leave behind. It takes a special kind of love to have the amount of patience that you do. I don't think that I could have ever done it."

"It's hard Mom," the usually composed attorney murmured, lightly grazing her fingers over the diamond engagement ring that nestled on her left hand. "It's really hard, with her not being here like this, especially when we're this close to being married. Not hearing from her I just, I'm just so worried about her, what if something happens?"

"Nothing is going to happen, Alexandra. I already told you, Casey is a strong woman who can hold her own. Don't worry yourself too much, you know how you get when you worry sweetheart."

Alex rolled her eyes and shook her head as she followed her mother from the attic with yet another box. "I do not 'get' like anything when I worry Mother, and I can't help but worry. Casey is probably somewhere overseas getting tangled in this or that nasty business, putting her own welfare at risk, while I'm here doing what, helping my mother put up Christmas decorations in the middle of November?"

Jennifer paused in the middle of the great room and stared back at her daughter with a harsh, steely gaze. Honestly, it was beyond her where Alex got her pessimism from; maybe it was a habit she picked up from someone else.

"Alexandra, I am only simply saying that you need not to worry yourself to death. That's all. It's okay to miss Casey, hell, I miss her too; she's already become like a daughter to me, and she's already promised me grandchildren." The older blonde offered up with a cheeky smile. "Have the two of you gotten everything together for your wedding?"

Alex shook her head yet again and perched herself on the edge of the sofa, staring into the patterns of the hardwood flooring in the room. "Not quite. I've made flower arrangements, but I really want Casey to be here for the cake tasting. After all, it is her wedding too, you know? I want her to feel like she's apart of preparing as well. God, I just miss her so much. What was it like, um, after my father died?" the attorney asked carefully, not sure if she was treading in dangerous territory. It was a rare occasion that she ever asked about her father, and since her mother was never really openly discussed the topic, Alex figured that it was something that was better not discussed with frequency.

Jennifer sighed and folded her hands in her lap. It was always an internal struggle with herself to talk about her late husband, but she supposed since her daughter had questions, those questions needed to be answered. "Well, as you know he died when you were very young. In fact, he passed just when you had turned about a year old. I missed him so much after that, everything – this house just felt so empty without him. When you grew up, went to college, moved out, I was alone, and once again, everything just felt so empty. It was hard dealing with the loneliness but I eventually came to terms with it."

"Do you still miss him?" Alex asked quietly, taking note of the shining unshed tears that lined her mother's eyes.

"Oh, of course I still miss him. He was my husband. But by now, I am able to let go of his death. Why are you asking, dear?"

Alex shook her head and shrugged her shoulders. If she were to accept reality, which she was struggling to do, it was because she was simply seeking a little of advice from her mother on how to cope with the love of her life being away, and more often than not, unreachable. "It's just that, Casey's always gone I guess I was wondering how you dealt with being here by yourself all the time. I mean, it's in no way the same thing but I guess I was just, uh, wondering."

"I understand how you are feeling. Just think of the lovely wedding ceremony that you're going to have when Casey returns; how beautiful the both of you are going to be. How you'll be able to say that you're going to spend the rest of your life with the person you love. How you're finally going to give your dear old mother the grandchildren she's always been waiting for." Jennifer completed her spiel with a hint of command in dreamy tone rather than just suggestion.

A smile flickered across Alex's lips as her mother once again mentioned the topic of grandchildren. "Why do I feel like the only thing that you want from me is the children that I may or may not decide to have?" Alex teased lightly, halfway expecting the glare that she received from her mother.

Jennifer snorted humorously and raised an eyebrow at her daughter's obviously rhetorical question. "Because what good are you if you don't give me grandchildren? Honestly, Alexandra, you are a grown woman now. You should be able to pick up on the things that your mother wants." The older woman teased back.

They kept their banter up, light and warm. The two laughed together until there was a feint rumble of thunder outside, alerting them of the second round of brewing thunderstorms.

"You should probably go before the weather gets to be too bad," Jennifer suggested, stealing a glance out one of her many windows taking note of the pelting rain that was continuing to fall from the slowly darkening sky.

Alex reluctantly nodded her head and wrapped her mother into a tight hug, embracing the woman that had been there for her all her life. It was a hug that would have lasted forever had there not been yet another low grumble from the sky.

"You be careful now." The elder Cabot woman instructed firmly as she watched her daughter trek out into the pelting rain.

Alex gave one last wave from her car as she slowly drove down the familiar stone driveway to her mother's home. She gripped the steering wheel tightly as she remembered the reasons behind going to see her mother; to escape the loneliness, the horrible day dreams, and the awful nightmares.

The drive back to her apartment was too long for Alex's liking, and it seemed the weather only seemed to worsen by the minute. She found it strangely ironic that the dreary weather that stormed through the city was mimicking all of her emotions on the inside.

Shrugging out of her wet coat and not bothering it to hang it on the rack, but letting it fall to a clump on the floor, Alex quickly made her way through the living room and to the office to do her usual routine check on her computer whenever she returned home. There was a small tugging at her heart when she saw there was a short voice message left via Skype. She eagerly clicked on the inbox, and sat back in her chair to listen to the voice message, tears already welling up as she heard Casey's voice filter from the speakers.

"Hey, sweetheart, I guess you must be busy seeing as you aren't home. I can't talk for long, though, so I'll get on with it. I miss you Alex. I miss you a lot, and I'm so sorry that I couldn't speak to you sooner. Being here without you – it's just so hard, baby. I wish I could be there with you to hold you, to love you, to just be there to be there." Casey paused briefly and took a deep breath as if to decipher what it was she wanted to say. "It kills me to say this, but I don't know when I'll be back. Things where I'm at – well, they're just moving so slow. It's killing me because I want to be there so I can marry you, and we can start a family and I just – I'm sorry if I'm not there enough for you, and I'm blessed to have a woman like you in my life who's willing to wait for me like this. I hope that you have a wonderful Thanksgiving, and I just want you to know that I love you so much. Hopefully I'll talk to you soon."

It was not until the voice message went silent that Alex realized she had tears running down her face. A part of her hated herself for being away when Casey had called, not being home to talk to Casey directly. But at the same time, she knew then that she at least had another message that she was able listen to repeatedly for when she was feeling empty.

The blonde sadly glanced down at her engagement ring once more, smiling despite her tears. She knew that it was once again time to go back to her usual routine of waiting, and waiting was always a game that Alex had never quite managed to master. It was times like those that made her wonder; was she really cut out for her job anymore? Was it really worth the double dose of nightmares she had almost every night, not only from her job but from what could possibly happen to Casey? The questions seemed endless.


	3. Chapter 3

_**Chapter Three**_

_**((DMAA))**_

Staring out the window of the government building, Casey chewed at her pen. She was in a foreign country, eating foreign food, wearing foreign clothes, and walking down foreign streets, a small hearing aid in her ear connecting her to other personnel both in the United States military and INTERPOL. From a small group of men and women who had shown a strong interest in international collaboration, firearms skills, and infiltration tactics, Casey Novak was one of few who had been selected and offered a position that meant she could not tell her friends, family, or lovers anything about what she did. So, she was in the United States military as a sergeant – a rank she truly held – who worked counterterrorism at a desk job, though there was actually seldom a desk involved in her job.

"You almost done, Novak?" a man asked, drawing Casey's attention away from her day dreams. She was wondering what Alex was doing halfway around the world. In New York, it was almost midnight, and Casey had no idea if her lover was sleeping or working, though her money was on the latter. Alex was so dedicated to everything she did, including and especially her career. "Yo, hey, Novak, snap out of it."

The man was older than her by about ten years, and English was his third or fourth language. He spoke, sometimes, like a teenaged American boy because he often did not know better. It amused Casey to no ends. Casey could not pronounce his given name, but everyone just called him Leebs, a shortened version of his given name. When he said it, it sounded beautiful. When Casey said it, it sounded like she was stabbing a cat. Pitiful, really. "Yeah, Leebs, I'm good," she said, looking at the document on her desk, signing it quickly with a date and time notation. "When's Buchanan having the meeting?"

"Seven. You okay?"

"I'm good," Casey said, smiling off handedly.

"Today get you spooked?"

"Yeah, a little," she admitted. "It's been a while since I've actually been clocked like that." Laughing darkly, Casey rubbed the back of her neck where another one of her comrades had punched her to get her to drop down. She had been so sure and steady with a gun in her hand, but when the little girl had run out of the house, screaming in a foreign language, Casey found that she still understood. She understood that the child knew too much to really be called a child. She understood that the realization hurt something inside of her that had never hurt before, that she had never before considered. "I've never frozen up like that, Leebs. What's wrong with me?"

"You been off since we arrived, Casey," the man said, sitting on the chair opposite the little work station Casey had borrowed to type out her report. "You got someone back home?"

"That's not new," Casey said. "We've been dating for years. I was gone for two years. It didn't make me freeze. It was that girl."

Leebs' eye brows popped up. "Huh, you think that is it? Did your relationship change?"

"We're getting married whenever I get back," Casey admitted with a shrug. "I don't know if that changed, though."

"Huh. Does the U.S. give female agents a pregnancy test prior to deployment?"

"Yes," Casey said, "and, no, I'm not pregnant. That's not possible."

Leebs nodded, leaning on Casey's desk. "Then it is the marriage. You are thinking about the consequences of your actions. One day, I think, you want to be a mother, yes?" Casey nodded. "You see little girl, you think, what if this was my little girl? Would I want her to see this? You ask if you are being responsible for destroying the child's innocence."

Biting her lip, Casey sighed, staring at her well chewed pen. "If I'm honest, I guess. Maybe I should pull myself."

"You pull yourself, Novak, they might not let you back. You love this." The man leaned back in his chair, hands behind his head as he looked over at Casey. "You would trade this?"

Once again, Casey sighed. "To be a stay at home mom or to take a job in the city where I live and always know I'll be with my family?" Shaking her head, Casey played her fingers over a nondescript paperweight on her desk. The thing about how she worked was that she carefully kept anything indicating her familial of home life away from her desk, away from anything wherever she stayed. If security became compromised, she did not want the enemy knowing what her fiancée looked like. She would give the enemy as few weapons as possible to use against her. "I don't know, Leebs. On one hand, no. I would never trade this. I love this. The people I meet, the places I see, and the general good I do – or like to think I do – is not something I could ever trade for the world. But, I'd love to come home at five thirty to a little blue eyed blonde running up to me yelling 'Mommy' and the chance to finger paint and make cookies. I'd love a sleepless night not because of a covert operation but because of an infant's hunger or a young child's nightmares. I'd love to see my partner's eyes before I go to sleep each night, hear that musical voice every day. But, what job could I do?"

Leebs shrugged. "You could be a cop."

Casey shook her head. "Being a police officer in my country is not like this, Leebs. If it is, then it would take me away from my family just as much, so close but so far. I think it would be worse."

"What about private security? Start your own company."

"I've thought about it," Casey said, sucking on her lower lip. "I could still help, just my local community. Training in counterterrorism is a bonus. But, I just don't know."

"What would your husband think?"

"That I should never give up my career for a family, especially since I love it so much." Casey tended to automatically refer to Alex as her husband when those around her did so, especially with people where she was not certain whether or not it would be opposed that she was seeing a woman. In different countries with different cultures and different religions, Casey did not always know. Fortunately, Alex was androgynous enough that it did not matter.

Leebs smiled at her in that fatherly manner Casey missed from her own dad. He was not really old enough to be her father, but that was just his nature, and she adored it. In the past several months, she found herself more and more grateful for such things. "Sounds like he's a really good guy."

Casey sighed wistfully. "You have no idea," she mused. In truth, Casey tended to be a little more dominant in roles than Alex was, but for the most part, they played equal grounds. Alex was definitely the Army Wife, though. It made Casey smile. "What about you?"

"My family? My wife left me years ago, took our son. I haven't seen him in five years. But, I understand. She did not want this kind of life to begin with. It made things very difficult for her."

"Wow," Casey breathed. "I couldn't imagine not seeing my child in so long."

"But, you, when you have children, will you not be discharged?"

"If I get pregnant, sure. But, if we chose to adopt, not necessarily. Al can always be the parent if I have to be gone."

Nodding sagely, Leebs seemed to consider this. "He is a very good man, then, to take on a child if you are absent."

"Like I said, Leebs, you have no idea. Al's a godsend, seriously."

"Then I must congratulate you. Now, we should both rest. Your board is tomorrow at nine am. Don't forget or Wilks is going to be mad."

Casey shook her head. "More than mad. What's a word for more than mad?"

"_Yadosan_," Leebs offered.

"Yeah," Casey murmured, "_Yadosan_. _Yadosan_ enough to ship me back to the States. Thanks for letting me vent, Leebs. I appreciate it."

"You take care of yourself, Novak. You are good woman, strong. You will not go down in flames, as you say, unless you allow it."

"Thanks, Leebs. Night." Standing, Casey turned off her desk lamp and grabbed her satchel. Her outfit was the same as she had been wearing earlier that day, a pair of pants that looked like a shirt but still allowed her the free motion of being able to run, flat shoes, and a top that left her pale, pale arms bare. The satchel was something she carried with her to keep her gun concealed since the outfit really did not allow for that as well as to keep money in case she needed it to blend in with her surroundings. In a crowded street, though, only paranoid people noticed her. Otherwise, she was just another American tourist, struggling with the language and the customs, never betraying that she was fluent.

That night in bed, she tossed and turned, barely able to sleep before her alarm went off. She had been pulled from the streets for a couple of days to determine how much of a liability she was. Hundreds of thousands of dollars in training to her and her comrades meant that they were unlikely to let her go unless she asked. But, if she did not ask, then she had to put up a good defense.

"Oh, Ali, where are you when I need you to lawyer me up?" Casey mumbled, dunking a black tea bag in her mug of hot water. She drank it in lieu of coffee until she arrived at the office wherein she downed several cups of the liquid life as though it were going out of style.

Opening her computer, Casey started the Skype application. Her computer was secured as was their home computer making it difficult for people to trace should they attempt. It was not impossible. Casey had seen computer techs do more than just that, but it upped the ante a little. "Alex, are you around?" Casey asked into the computer once the connection was established. Not that the computer would respond or Alex would hear, but it was just tradition. Casey had not had time since just before Thanksgiving to talk to her fiancée, and it was getting to be demoralizing. On the occasion that she thought she would, she would wind up getting a phone call out. Mostly, though, she was not spending her nights at the embassy. As part of operations, she and three other men and one other woman were staying in the city itself, not necessarily hunting but listening, gathering information. They had been given assigned hotspots with known information to gather more. There were a few people in the city that were helpful, but Casey was leery since they might also turn over the foreign investigators to members of the terrorist cell.

"'Lo?" came a sleepy sounding voice over the internet connection. "Casey, you there?"

"Yeah, babe. I'm here," Casey said, smiling as she turned back to the computer. She had not even realized Alex had answered her call. "Did I catch you sleeping?"

"A little," Alex murmured with a grin. The connection was a little slow on Casey's end, so the picture jumped a little, but she was still very glad to see the woman who had captured her heart.

Casey blew a kiss at the screen. "Go back to bed, love. I'll catch you next time."

"Hell no," Alex said with a laugh. "You think I wait all this time to hear from you just to go back to bed when you do get a chance to call?"

"Alright," Casey agreed. "Hey, I love you. I just want you to know that. I love you and I miss you."

"I love you, too. I miss you more. Oh my gosh, look what my mom picked up for us." Alex held up pamphlets for gay adoption agencies. "She's going on and on about those grandchildren you promised her. I can't believe you promised her grandchildren."

Casey smiled. "What? Having second thoughts?"

"You'd be a great mom, Casey. I would never have second thoughts. But, did you have to tell Mom? Every Friday when I go see her, it's 'Oh, Alexandra, when are you and Casey going to adopt? Are you going to do in vitro? If you do, will you carry or will Casey? What's going to happen to her deployment?' Oh, Casey, you set me up. You set me up big time."

Casey laughed pleasantly. It was so good to hear Alexandra's voice. It really was just what she needed first thing in the morning, especially before the board. "You know you love every minute of your mother's fawning. I'm surprised mine hasn't called you yet."

"Called?" Alex whined. "She showed up at the apartment yesterday with touch ups to the wedding. Speaking of, will you be able to catch a break and come out here in May for that or should I start bumping everything back?"

"If everything goes according to plan, I should be hand delivering you roses on Valentine's day, Alex," Casey teased.

Alex shook her head. "Yea, goes according to plan. Does anything in your job ever go according to plan?"

"Yes," Casey said with a mischievous smile. "I plan on returning home every time. So far, so good."

"You better not leave me in New York by myself Casey Novak."

"Cabot."

"What?" Alex asked, tilting her head inquisitively as though Casey had addressed her.

"No, me. Casey Cabot." Apparently, Casey had been correcting Alex. It was something she had thought long and hard about. The assumption had always just been there that Alexandra would be dubbed into the Novak family, or else they would each keep their own last names. But, as the days past and Casey really considered it, she found herself thinking it would be a high honor to take the name of her wife, to be part of a family, in name, of very strong women.

Alex's eyes went wide, a smile flitting and retreating from her features as though she were not entirely certain what to think of the revelation. "Are you sure? Because Alexandra Novak is starting to grow on me."

Casey laughed. "It suits you. You fit in well with the family. But, honey, I think it would mean a lot more to your mom if I took your name than it would to my parents if you took mine. They have plenty of straight boys who will marry nice girls who will take the Novak name. Your mom only has you to keep the Cabot line going."

"You have no idea how right you are, Casey," Alex murmured. For a moment, Alex looked incredibly sad, but Casey might have been seeing things because in the next breath, she looked tired but more like her normal self. Casey wondered if it was not just the picture on the screen reflecting moments incidentally frozen by the connection as opposed to actual expressions of reality.

"How is Mom, by the way?" Casey asked, turning the computer volume up. She proceeded to get dressed and ready her room while she talked to Alex, the two talking as though they were in the very same room as each other.

When Casey signed off, having to leave for the board, it was with a heavy heart. Even when she had been stateside for a long time, the two had never run out of things to talk about. If Alex was not learning something from Casey or the opposite, they would remark on anything and everything that came to mind, sometimes starting debates just to debate. Hell, sometimes, they agreed on a topic but one would play devil's advocate just to do so.

And, in walking into her board review, Casey felt, for the first time, torn. A part of her wanted to have them send her home. She was a liability, yes, but there was also the selfish reason of wanting to be with Alex. For the first time in her life, a part of her was ready to retire. The other part of her prayed they would let her stay, even if they gave her administrative duties. She could still intelligence gather from a desk. She loved everything about her job except that Alex was not there. But, if Alex could get through it, then so could she. And, what were they both doing but ensuring a better future for others. It was a combined passion, a passion that had driven them together when distance could have driven them apart.


	4. Chapter 4

_**Chapter Four**_

_**((DKP))**_

Alex felt numb. No, in fact, she felt a little more than numb. She was tired, exhausted, a little depressed, and worried; so she chopped it all down to being numb. At night, she was restless. She hardly got any sleep because of the various nightmares that she had, and during the day at work, it was like she was dead on her feet. It was so bad to the point where even her work colleagues began to notice. Only a select few of them were aware of her predicament, and some only knew that she was seeing someone who was in the military. Others just deduced it to the notorious 'Ice Queen' just being in one of her 'moods'. But Alex didn't care; she would sit there and go through the motions. She would attend court when needed, she would file all of her paperwork, and then she go home, crawl under the covers and wait for the dreaded cycle to repeat itself.

As the Christmas holiday began nearing, she couldn't help the tight knot that continued to constrict in her stomach. Of course she realized that Casey had mentioned Valentines Day several times, but somewhere deep inside of her, Alex wished that she would be able to see her lover on Christmas. If there was anything at all that she wanted on the gift giving holiday that was it. All she wanted was to be able to sit on her couch, and snuggle with Casey while they watched endless sappy holiday movies. But despite her wishful thinking, she knew that her chances of that happening where slim, and that made it all the more difficult to get up and go to work in the mornings.

Of course, she had been invited to have Christmas dinner with Casey's parents, and her siblings, but still for Alex, it wasn't the same without the sergeant being there. In addition to Casey's family, Alex planned on spending a large chunk of the holiday season with her mother. She personally dreaded the idea of her mom spending Christmas alone like she was, hell, she already hated the fact that her mom insisted that she continue to live alone. "There are too many memories in this house for me to just let go, Alexandra" Jennifer had said once when Alex had yet again tried to convince her to move out and move closer to her. But, ever being the traditional stubborn Cabot, the older woman declined and stated that she was just fine living by herself, as long as she got to see her only child on somewhat of a regular basis, an arrangement that Alex was more than happy to oblige too.

Then she went back to the whole topic of her wedding. The anticipation, and the excitement was killing her, and all she wanted for Casey to come home so they could get married and start thinking about starting a family. But of course, that just meant more waiting, and realization for Alex, that the love of her life could very well be absent up until the day they were set to be married.

"What about the blue ones? Alex dear, are you listening?"

Alex had to blink several times to bring herself back to reality, and she turned towards Casey's mother, Charlotte, who was seated next to her on the sofa in her apartment. She had been so lost in her own thoughts that she realized she hadn't exactly been paying attention to anything that Charlotte had been saying. "I'm sorry, what were you saying? We were talking about flowers right?"

Charlotte cracked a small smile and nodded her head in confirmation. Somewhere in the back of her mind she knew that the attorney hadn't been listening to her, she could tell by that glazed over, far off expression that Alex had while she was looking at the flower book. "Yes Alex, we were. I was asking you what thought of the blue flowers for your bouquet when you spaced out. Are you alright?"

"Oh, I'm not sure." Alex whispered, staring at her hands. "About either of those things. I just wish that Casey were here so she could help me decide, that's all. I feel like I'm taking away her privilege of planning her wedding. Things just aren't the same without her being here."

"I see, you miss her. Well, that's very well expected and you have every right to miss her. I miss her too, she's my daughter, and you know what else? I promise you that she misses you just as much. She'll be back soon, I'm sure."

"I just constantly worry about what if she doesn't come back one day? I understand that she loves her job, and she loves what she does, but at the same time, I don't understand why she's okay with putting herself in that kind of danger. Why can't she just be a cop, or something? I realize that's probably just as dangerous, but at least I wouldn't have to worry about her being in some foreign country, on foreign soil, probably getting shot at everyday. I don't want to sound selfish, I don't _mean _to sound selfish, I just wish that she was here with me."

Charlotte placed the flower book on the coffee table and slid across the sofa where she wrapped her arms around her future daughter in law. "You're not being selfish honey, you're in love, and all you want is for the woman you love to come home to you. There's nothing wrong with that."

Alex closed her eyes and was willing herself not try cry, something that she seemed to have been doing a lot of at that time. A part of her knew that Casey's mother was right, that she wasn't being selfish, she was just in love, but a whole different part of her couldn't help but feel selfish.

"When's the last time that you've heard from her?" Charlotte asked curiously upon seeing that Alex was once again struggling against becoming lost in her own thoughts.

"It's been a few days." The blonde murmured as she anxiously began to wring her hands, a nervous habit that she had never learned to break. "She's gotten roped into some new assignment, and she can't call everyday like she used to. She only calls when she can, which as of late, hasn't been very often. I just miss her so much Charlotte, I don't know what else to do."

"Maybe you should consider taking some time off from work? Have you done that in a while?"

"It's too soon for me to take off of work, I need to keep myself busy. That's the only way I'll get anything done and not think about Casey not being here. I'm sorry, we should, get back to the flowers, where were we?"

Charlotte opened her mouth to try and protest, but she realized that arguing against Alex would have been completely useless and time wasting, so she settled on leaning forward to pick up the flower book and they once again began their search for the perfect flowers for the perfect wedding.

The very next morning, Alex pressed the snooze button on her alarm probably a good five times. After she forced herself to sit up in bed, she found herself squinting painfully against the sun that was blindly beaming through her curtains. Glancing at her clock, she saw that she wasn't quite going to be late for work, but she wasn't going to be her usual early either.

It wasn't until she crawled out of bed that she realized just exactly how tired she was. She sighed exasperatedly, and ran her fingers through her slightly tangled blonde hair as she tried to recall what exactly it was that kept her in a restless sleep the night before. After a moment of her thoughts being all over the place, Alex gave up and decided that it was time to climb into the shower.

The drive to work was exactly the same as it was the day before, and the day before that, and they day before that. Even after getting to the District Attorney's office, Alex still felt dead on her feet. She mumbles a quick hello to the front desk secretary, the security guard, and proceeded to make her way to the elevator. Once in the small lift, she leaned her head against the cool metal, it being a stunning relief to the headache that she felt coming on.

"Good morning Miss Cabot," Lori, Alex's personal assistant, greeted cheerfully, looking up at the blonde from her desk. "How was your weekend if you don't mind me asking?"

Alex sighed but found herself able to force a small believable smile. After all, the last thing that she wanted was for Lori to start asking numerous questions, she just wasn't in the mood for that. "It was fine, very uneventful but fine. Do you have any messages for me?"

"No ma'am, nothing has come in, but if something does, I'll be sure to let you know. Is there anything else?"

"Actually, can you cancel all of my meeting for today? Reschedule them for Mondayof next week if you don't mind. Other than that, there's nothing else, I'll be in my office for the rest of the day. No visitors Lori."

The young brunette opened her mouth to respond but simply settled on nodding her head. She watched as Alex proceeded into her office and shut the door tightly behind her.

Alex made her way over to her desk and plopped down in her chair with an audible sigh, preparing herself for whatever work it was that she needed to get done for the day. Like many days before that one, she just wasn't feeling engaged enough to keep herself focused, and she often found herself staring blankly at her legal pad for several minutes at a time.

"I can't keep doing this." She sighed miserably, letting her head fall to her desk in a loud 'thump'. She hadn't gotten any work done, and she swore that she had the worst headache in the history of headaches. Maybe she should have just considered staying home.

In the second hour of being at work, Alex's phone rang, alerting her from the work that she had finally been able to start. She scowled angrily at the phone as if it was at fault for her mood, and answers it with a sharpness in her tone. "Cabot."

"Um…Miss Cabot? You have a visitor." Lori's shaky voice rang through the receiver, fear having taken over from remembering when the ADA said she didn't want any visitors.

Alex narrowed her eyes and grit her teeth together in frustration. "Lori, I strictly said that I did not want any visitors today. Tell them to come back some other time."

"But Miss Cabot, I strongly believe that-"

"Send. Them. Away, Lori." Alex growled out angrily before she slammed the phone back down onto the receiver. Honestly, why couldn't her assistant follow a simple instruction? She strictly said that she didn't want any visitors, and she meant what she said. Once again, Alex let her head fall back onto her wooden desk in defeat, contemplating taking a nap for the rest of the day. "Why don't people ever listen to me…" she groaned before she took a much needed deep breath.

"Maybe because you scare people?" A voice from the doorway answered smugly.

In a nanosecond, Alex's head shot off of her desk and she found herself completely speechless as she looked upon her lover standing in her office, clad in army fatigues and clutching about a dozen long stem roses. "C-Casey?"

Casey's smile broadened and not even a second later she felt the wind being knocked out of her as arms wrapped themselves tightly around her neck. She chuckled and hugged her lover back with everything she had.

"I take it this is your way of saying you missed me?" she joked, pausing when she felt something wet against her neck. She lightly pushed on Alex's shoulder and tilted her head in confusion when she saw the blonde's eyes and face were wet with tears. "Baby, what's wrong? Why are you crying?"

Alex wiped at her cheeks and found that she was in fact crying, but that time, they were far from tears of pain. "I just-you're here, and you're safe, and I missed you so much and…god I love you." she rattled out before she quickly captured Casey's lips in her own, a kiss that Casey eagerly returned.

They weren't sure how long they stayed like that, all they know is that when they pulled away, they were both panting for air. In fact, Casey nearly forgot that she brought a gift and she held out the roses for her fiancée. "I caught a ride with a buddy from the airport, and I wanted to surprise you, so that's why I didn't call. So…surprise!"

Alex smiled a real smile for the first time in what felt like forever and she placed a chaste kiss to Casey's lips once more. "Mmm, well I am very surprised. Not that I don't love seeing you, because believe me, I do, but what are you doing here? You said that you might not be around until Valentines Day."

A sigh escaped Casey's lips and she hung her head low, suddenly becoming interested in the patterns of the woodened floor in Alex's office. "I pulled myself from the mission I was on. My head wasn't in there, and this time, I really needed to see you. Plus, I couldn't stand the thought of you spending another Christmas by yourself."

"Oh god, you have no idea how much I've missed you." Alex murmured once again as she buried her head in the nape of Casey's neck once more, inhaling that beautiful scent of cinnamon that she loved so much.


	5. Chapter 5

_**Chapter Five**_

_**((DMAA))**_

**A/N: You guys are so awesome. Thanks for the reads, the reviews, and the feedback. I've gotta say, writing Casey as the more together in this fic than she's been in the other ones I've written in has been a nice change up. I'm glad you all agree as well. DKP, as always, thanks for this wonderful opportunity to co-author this story with you!**

_She stared forward, both making eye contact and not with the four men sitting across the table from her, their ethnicities as diverse as the project she was attending. Ever since her first board, she had been desked, her option, not theirs. In truth, she could not erase from her mind the image of a should have been terrified little girl clinging to her father's pants as he pointed a gun in the American stranger's face. She remembered the child's eyes, and fifteen days later, their deep brown still haunted her. It was not because they were afraid. The eyes that had been burned into her skull were hard and cold with anger. She just could not imagine._

_"Have you come to a reasonable consideration, Sergeant Novak?" one of the men asked, peering at her over his file._

_"Yes, sir," Casey answered, licking her lips. She had asked for a two week desk duty job to self-evaluate. She had not expected them to grant it to her, but they did. And, ten days before Christmas, she had managed to attend a solution. She neither loved nor hated the idea, but at the same time, experienced both emotions towards what next returned from her mouth. "With all due respect, sirs, before I was recruited into this unit, I was fast working my way through a counterterrorism unit in the Army. I appreciate everything this international team has taught me and every opportunity it has provided. I've learned so much, and I've also seen enough to know what I may have seen might be too much at this juncture. I cannot be a liability in the field, and I will not take that risk. When I was recruited, I was working a desk job in New York. I hadn't seen field work since my promotion. If possible, I think it might be best I take my new found knowledge and experiences back with me to the States."_

_The man nodded, folding there file closed. "I think that is reasonable, and we will not ask your underlying reasons in forming this decision. You seem firm, and if that is your wish, then I see no reason to object to your dismissal with recommendations. You've been an asset to your team. Thank you for your service."_

_On shaking legs, Casey stood, chewing the inside of her cheek. Part of her felt like she had made the wrong choice. She wanted to scream that she was stupid for saying she wanted to go back to New York. The other part of her wanted to jump for joy. It might have been selfish, but leaving Alex that year had been so hard. It was not that she thought it were any easier on any other member of the military, but Casey Novak, woman who thought she would never settle, had done the unimaginable. She had settled. And, the thought of missing out on that gave her such anxiety that it truly did make her a liability._

_The truth was, she had gone into the military because her father and her older brothers had joined. Only her younger sister in the family did not. She loved her country, heart and soul, and with one of the first accredited Master's degrees in Homeland Security offered in the United States, she adored working in counterterrorism operations. But, she had always been a home body at heart. She had always wanted to be attached to someone or something beyond herself. Though she could not imagine changing her life up to that point, she had realized, she needed to change her life for the future, her future._

_She would still be dedicating her career to her country, but she could at least do it where she knew she would be there for her wedding day, for their future children, and for any time Alex needed her just because she needed her. Casey had long since learned that the abrasive Alexandra Cabot she had first met and crushed on was also very vulnerable and terrified of abandonment. Casey thought it had something to do with being raised by a single mother, and the red haired sergeant did not want to put her fiancée in the position of ever being a single mother, for any reason at all if she could help it._

"Casey, dear, are you alright?" her mother asked her as the three women clustered around the binder Alex had so studiously worked on for their wedding. Charlotte watched her daughter carefully, fully aware that something was turning in the back of her head.

"I'm fine," Casey answered, flashing a smile at both Alex and her mother, making sure they knew she really was doing alright. "Alex, I know I've told you before, but you've done wonders in planning our wedding. Can't I just leave you in charge? You're so much better at it than I am."

Alex laughed, but Casey did not miss the small frown that had played her features moments before. "I want your opinion in this, Case. It's important to me that we both input stuff. I want you to like it as much as I do."

"Does it make you happy?" Casey asked, crawling on the floor to sit beside Alexandra as she looked down at the pictures Alex had printed out of center pieces she liked for the table.

"Yes," Alex said. "I like these. I think they're beautiful."

Casey smiled. "Then, I like them, too. Alex, you could put whatever you want in the reception hall, the church, and the dining hall. You could put nothing. As long as whatever is in there puts a smile on your face because there will be nothing and no one who will be able to distract me from your smile."

"You're so cheesy," Alex quipped, leaning on Casey. The red haired Army sergeant wrapped her arm around Alex's back, pulling her close. She tipped Alex's head with her finger and captured her lips with no less need than when she had first seen Alex in her office only three days prior. Alex pressed herself up to Casey, pulling her fiancée down to her as the kiss deepened.

"Girls," Charlotte said. "Now, I know it's been a while for you both, but please remember there's a ten year old here."

Casey laughed as she separated from Alex, looking over to where her younger brother was watching. Jacob Novak was the adopted member of the Novak family. "Hey, Jake, what do girls have?" Casey asked.

"Cooties," the ten year old responded, sticking his tongue out. "And, kissing girls'll give me cooties."

"What do boys have?" Alex asked.

"Cooties," Jacob answered, rolling his eyes. "Duh, Alex. I can't kiss boys, either. I don't want cooties."

"Good answer, young man," Charlotte said, her eyes narrowed. "No kissing anyone until you're married."

"But, mom, Casey kisses Alex and they're not married."

"Yea, well, they're engaged. So, no kissing until you're engaged."

"You're so silly," the ten year old declared, hands on his hips.

Alex laughed. Scrambled up, chasing her brother down the hall. "Oh? I'm silly?" she asked as the boy tore off, laughing.

"Casey!" he yelled.

"No wrestling in the house," Charlotte called as a crash resounded a ways down. "Casey Megan Novak, so help me, if you two break anything, I'm holding you entirely accountable."

"Free pass!" Jacob yelled from a bedroom. "I can break whatever I want, and it'll be your fault."

"Oh, no. No it won't!" Casey yelped. "You whelp. Get back here."

Alex stood, barely able to suppress her laughter. She loved being a part of the Novak household. They were warm and loving, and the family was huge. With Casey as the second oldest, the age span of children flexed out over twenty years, though the two youngest were adopted and Casey and Serenity were the only girls, and both were among the eldest of the clan. Quietly, Alex moved to where the sounds of a struggle were emanating, sighing as she peeked in the door and found Casey pinning her little brother to the bed, her hand clamped firmly over his mouth. For his part, it looked like Jacob was trying to lick his sister to convince her to let go of him.

"Are you kidding me? You're licking me?" Casey said. "You know, I've seen worse, right?"

Jacob wiggled free and grabbed Casey's arm, licking from her hand to her elbow. "Ew! Okay, that was pretty gross," Casey yelped, letting her brother go.

Sitting up, she wiped her arm off on the comforter. "Jake, you're gross," she said, ruffling his hair as he beamed up at her.

"It's all tactical strategy," he answered, looking proud.

"Right, sure it is."

Smiling, Alex kissed Casey's forehead. "I hope that when we have kids, we have a boy," Alex murmured. "Now, is all your homework done?"

Jake crossed his arms over his chest, puffing himself out. A stern look from Alex, though, and he deflated. "No. I'll go do it."

Alex offered a fond smile, watching him as he ran through the door past Charlotte, the matriarch of the Novak clan leaning against the door frame. "You two will make such great parents," she observed.

Wrapping her arms around Alex, Casey, still sitting on the bed, pulled the woman to stand beside her, putting her head at the height of Alex's stomach. "Yes, well, as long as I don't have to be pregnant," Casey murmured, kissing Alex's stomach, "then I really don't mind what we have."

Rolling her eyes, Alex sighed. "No, you don't have to be pregnant. We can always adopt."

The Cabot woman had been much happier and upbeat since Casey arrived in her office. The difference was almost immediate and the consequences more positive than anything. She was more focused at work and more productive in general. She had the will, almost instantly, to do things both around their shared apartment and outside. Casey still had not told her why she had returned early from her mission, and she did not really know how she was going to do it.

It would be a few days, though, she knew, before Alex would ask her about it. For a little bit, Alex would want to pretend it were permanent. And, while it was, Casey did not know how to tell Alex that purely because she knew that Alex expected her to leave – she thought Alex might be a little irate if Casey told her that she had asked for a permanent assignment in New York with occasional, short trips as needed by her job requirements. She had been given the job back that she had when she had first met Alex. It was a special operations division that was overseen by the Department of Defense, though not all of the people were military personnel. In fact, Casey was one of few specially assigned because of her background in Homeland Security. Where she thought Alex might chew her out was the part where she had given up her career overseas for a career nearer home because Alex was a huge part of her life at that point.

Not that Alex would be mad, per se. But, Casey was not sure she wanted to have the 'I told you not to give up your career for me' speech she knew would accompany the announcement. What Alex still did not seem to grasp, and it baffled Casey, was that Casey would give up just about anything in the world for Alex.

Casey shook her head. "Whatever makes you happy, honey," she purred, standing, her hand on Alex's lower back. "Speaking of happy, we better get going. You promised you'd let me take you out tonight, and we're running behind."

"Alright," Alex said with a bright grin. "Thanks, Char."

"Really, Alex, will you ever call me Mom? I don't intend to be one of those scary mother-in-laws that you dread."

Alex pressed her lips against the matriarch's cheek. "Alright, Ma," she quipped. "Thanks for the morale boost. But, I did promise Casey she could spoil me tonight."

"You two girls have fun. Casey, get her in bed early, though. Your little prosecutor looks exhausted."

Smiling, Casey looped her arm in Alex's. "I'll get her to bed, Mom. No worries."

"Casey Megan!"

Casey shrugged, laughing. "Of all people, Mom, you should know I inherited Dad's sense of humor."

"And, it pains me daily. Don't forget Sunday, you two. Father Max really wants to get with you if you're serious about moving the date up."

"I told you we don't have to change the date, Alex. I'm staying in New York for a long time. I told you, I asked off the assignment, so I'll be grounded for a while. I definitely won't be going anywhere for at least six months. And, before I do, they'll have me do a psych eval anyway to make sure I'm not crazy."

Alex frowned, falling silent as they made their way to the subway. "Honey?" Casey finally asked. "What's wrong?"

"I was about to ask you the same thing. There's something about all this you're not telling me."

Casey shrugged. "They just don't like it when we pull ourselves, and they'll want to make sure I'm fit for duty if I wind up having to go anywhere else."

"What do you mean if?" Alex asked.

Casey sighed. She had not been planning on telling Alex right away, but she knew the attorney would not leave it to rest until Casey was actually ready. She would keep harping and hounding and pressing. Casey understood why. She would have done the same to Alex if their roles were reversed. It was because Alex was worried. "I'm permanently grounded in New York, Alex," she said, biting her lip. "I asked for my old job back, the one I had when we first met. The only time I'll be leaving New York is to help with the apprehension and transportation of persons suspected of terrorism directly impacting the United States wherein the USAG has jurisdiction."

"Casey, you didn't," Alex exclaimed.

Turning, Casey stopped them both, taking Alexandra's hands in her own. "I did, Alex, but not entirely for us. I mean, yea, my want to be near you played a role in me asking, but it wasn't the only reason, nor was it the primary."

"You promise? Casey, I told you I was okay with this overseas thing. We agreed that it had to be this way when we first started dating."

"We were dating, then, Alexandra. Not about to be married. I don't love my position in New York any less than I did my missions overseas. I'm back to an eight to five work day, just like you. Honey, I want to be there for our wedding, to know I can be there. I don't want to be in East Berlin when our children take their first steps. My father spent a lot of my life overseas when I Was growing up, and I was always proud of him, but I wanted him there. I don't want to leave you a single mom for all practical purposes. I can't do that. But, it's more than just that, Alex. It's not all selfish of me. I froze when my team was in a sticky situation. I froze. And no one got hurt, but that's not the point. My point is that I could have frozen when we were in a dangerous situation, and one of my team members could have gotten hurt or killed because of it. I cannot be that kind of liability."

"Why'd you freeze?" Alex asked, voice soft.

"I saw a kid who knew way more about war than she should have." Casey told the biggest part of the truth in that case. "She didn't deserve it. And, I froze. I just looked at her, and I froze."

"But, why?" Alex pressed.

Frowning, Casey shook her head. "I've been trying not to analyze that too much." Alex gave her the classic Cabot look that she gave people when she thought they were lying. Casey sighed. "I think I froze because I can't help but feel like some of the responsibility is mine. I mean, we go in places, guns blazing. We're just following orders, but it's more than that. I can't keep shutting my emotional response down when I see things I should react to, that any normal person would react to. I love headquarters in New York, Alex. I don't mind doing all the paperwork. I may not be as legally inclined as you are, but I don't mind the testifying or the affidavits. I don't mind looking at intelligence and deciding what's useful in locating and apprehending both foreign and domestic terrorists. I don't mind analyzing structures and communities for risk. In fact, I love it. I feel like I'm making a difference right here, where I can see it and where it hits me the most."

Alex frowned. "You could have been a lawyer," she mumbled. "I don't know, though, Casey. You sure you'll be just as happy?"

"Happier," Casey mused, kissing Alex's forehead. "Because I'll get to wake up to your warm smile every day."

"Sap."

"You knew that going into this," Casey giggled.

"Alright," Alex said. "I guess there's no changing it now, and if you're sure you'll really be happy, Casey, I can't be mad at you. I love you. I just want us to be happy, but I don't want us to sacrifice our careers for love under the ruse of happiness. We both have big dreams and aspirations."

"I can accomplish all I want to out of New York. Or, Hell, Al, any U.S city, especially the large ones. At this point, I'll be happiest wherever you're happiest."

Alex sighed, content. "You're so good to me, Casey. How did I get so lucky?"

Casey laughed. "I remember when you thought I was nothing more than a pain in your ass."

"You are so much more, but a pain in the ass nonetheless." Alex smirked, earning a self-satisfied grin from Casey.


	6. Chapter 6

**_Chapter Six_**

**_((DKP))_**

A breathy gasp escaped Casey's lips as she found her self being forcefully ripped away from a nightmare in the middle of the night. Immediately, she sat up in bed, her chest heaving and the sweat that had accumulated on her forehead started to make its trek down her face. She snuck a quick glance at the bedside table, and saw that the slightly unfocused green numbering on the clock red '3:30 am'. With a small sigh, she snuck another glance to the other side of the bed, where she found her bedmate sleeping soundly and tucked warmly under the duvet and sheets against the cold temperatures of the bedroom.

With another sigh, Casey attempted to calm her breathing as she dragged her fingers through her slightly tangled hair and rested her head in her hands. She squeezed her eyes shut only to snap them open a few moments later when she found the horrible images of her nightmare rebuilding itself in her mind.

The sergeant had found her self having nightmares for the past week and a half that she had been at home. The images of everything that she had ever seen while she was overseas (and even some at home) played in her mind like a horror film. The bodies, the fallen comrades, the steel cold eyes of children, they were all there, etched into her mind like an engraving. One would have thought that in the time that she has served in the military, that she would be accustomed to the nightmares, but Casey knew that that was far from the case. It wasn't that she had nightmares all the time, but when she did, she found it extremely hard to come to terms with them in the next few hours, which basically meant that, she wasn't going to be falling back asleep anytime soon.

She wiped her forehead with the bottom of her t-shirt, and she glanced at her sleeping lover one last time before she carefully slipped out of bed. She smiled to herself as she noticed that Alex didn't even stir despite the movement from the other side, and Casey immediately knew that the attorney was more than tired; that much was obvious. She knew that Alex pushed her self to the brink of insanity when it came to her work, and that was something that Casey would always admire her for. But at the same time, she always wished that Alex would listen to her self when her body gives her the incentive that it's time to take it easy. So not only was the blonde dedicated, she was also stubborn as hell.

Casey watched Alex for a little while longer before she quietly made her way out of the bedroom and began to wander her way towards the kitchen. Once in the kitchen, she began to put together all of the contents for tea but stopped mid way through as her conscience began to tell her that she needed coffee. She abided to her brains suggestion, and forwent the tea to proceed to put together the makings off coffee.

Once the coffee had been put on, Casey made her way to the living room where she plopped down on the couch and rested her head in her hands. Everything seemed so unreal at the time. She had taken her old job back in the States, she was getting married to the woman of her dreams, and they had begun the talk of starting a family. It all just seemed so surreal that the crimson haired soldier felt like she would wake up from the dream any moment and she would be back to where she used to be; alone with no one to go home to at night.

She remembered fairly well of what her life had been like before she had met Alex, and while it wasn't bad, she still wouldn't have traded her current one for it on any day of the week for any kind of circumstances. She loved Alex with all her heart, and sometimes she felt like saying it just wasn't enough.

_The two had just finished making love on a particularly warm night for September. While the night had been particularly warm, the heat between the two lovers succeeding in raising the temperature several more degrees, but it was as if either of them cared. They were just so caught up in the lust filled passion, that neither woman gave a damn about the temperature as their sweat slick bodies were pressed flush against each other. _

_ Casey reluctantly broke their heated lip lock because the need for air was becoming far too great as her lungs burned, reminding her of the fact that she did need to breathe. Propping herself up on her hands, she smiled down at the breathless woman beneath her and couldn't think of a moment where she ever looked more beautiful then she did then. Leaning down, Casey took the blonde's lips in her own in a chaste kiss, pulling away before it could become anything more. "You're beautiful." She whispered, her voice full of the love that neither of them had formally declared yet. _

_ Alex couldn't help the blush that rose to her cheeks upon hearing the compliment. People had told her she was beautiful all the time, but it was never in the same way that Casey said it. When Casey said it, it was always full of love, need, want, and whatever else the redhead was feeling for her. It was one of the only times that Casey's raw emotions were on display for Alex to see, and she felt honored that she was the one to bring that out. _

_ "You know just how to make me melt whenever you say those words." The blonde replied softly as she reached up to gently run her hand over the soft skin of her love's cheek. Her hand traveled up Casey's cheek, through her hair, and eventually settled on resting behind her neck as Alex pulled her in for another kiss. _

_ It was a kiss that Casey was happy to oblige to as she soon broke away to begin peppering kisses along the trace of Alex's jaw, up to her ear where she nibbled gently for a moment before trailing hot kisses down the attorney's neck. _

_ Alex moaned softly as she tangled her fingers in crimson locks and her heart swelled as she came to terms with what she was about to do for the first time for either of them in their relationship. "Casey, I love you." she purred, only to mentally panic a few moments later when she feels her lover freeze any and all of her movements. Not long after they were engulfed into the silence, Alex felt what seemed like wet droplets against her neck, and she knew for a fact it wasn't sweat. "Casey?"_

_ After another moment, Casey once again propped her self up on her hands, and her watery green eyes stared down at Alex's concerned blue ones. She hated herself for crying; it was something that she had never made a habit of doing, but with what just happened, she couldn't help it. Upon hearing Alex utter those three special words, her heart swelled immediately and she found her self unable to fight her tears. _

_ "Baby, I'm sorry I just-I love you too." She choked out in response, suddenly feeling completely inferior and a little ashamed for tearing up like that. "I love you so much, and know that I will do anything for you because you mean just that much to me." _

_ This time, it was Alex who felt a fresh batch of tears springing to her eyes, and instead of responding verbally, she wrapped her arms around Casey's neck and pulled her down for a loving kiss that led to them showing each other just how much they mean to each other for the rest of the night and on into the morning. _

Casey had retrieved her coffee and her mind continued to replay all of their loving moments in her head like an old movie. In fact, she had been so focused on her flashbacks, that she didn't notice the blonde that was slinking her way into the living room.

"Babe?" Alex called out cautiously as she looked upon her fiancée who was seated on the couch with a coffee cup, staring blankly into the blackened screen of the television.

Casey tore her eyes away from the nothingness she was staring in to and a small smile spread across her face as she noticed Alex's presence in the living room. "Hi sweetheart." she purred in response, patting the sofa next to her beckoning for her lover to join her.

"What're you doing up?" Alex asked as she took a seat on the sofa and involuntarily curled into Casey's side.

It wasn't until then that Casey became fully aware of the sun shining through the windows, casting brightly lit rays into the living room. A small frown appeared on her face and she checked the clock, thoroughly shocked when she found that it read '7:45 am'. Had she really been up for four hours just thinking and not realized it?

"I guess I couldn't sleep." she responded, taking another long gulp from her cup. She didn't want to worry Alex with her nightmares, so she decided that she would refrain from mentioning that.

"How long have you been up?"

"Oh, I think a little over four hours. Like I said, I just couldn't sleep, so I got up, made some coffee, and just sat down. I hadn't realized that I was out here that long."

A concerned frown crossed Alex's features, and she eyed Casey with genuine curiosity. "Are you alright? Four hours is a long time to be awake, after waking up in the middle of the night. Are you feeling alright?"

Casey nodded her head as she sat her cup on the coffee table. "I'm fine. Like I said, I don't know what it was; I just woke up and couldn't fall back asleep, so I got up. I was trying not to wake you, but you were out like a light. It was cute." She concluded with a soft smirk as she wrapped the blonde in her arms. "So what do we have planned for today, love?"

"Well, I really would like for us to go see Mother today, if you don't mind." Alex offered, as she took to her usual favorite spot on Casey's shoulder. "Then we have a cake tasting appointment scheduled for later this afternoon."

Casey made a face as she wasn't sure how she felt about cake tasting. It wasn't that she didn't want to help Alex plan their wedding, it was just, she felt like she had been gone so long, and Alex had done so much; she just didn't want to get in the way.

Alex caught the look that flashed across Casey's face and she rolled her eyes as she shook her head. "It'll be fun Casey, I promise. I'm not going to taste wedding cakes by myself." She concluded before she swatted the redhead on the arm, and stood up from the couch. "Now get dressed, we're going to see mother."

"You know I always look forward to going to see your Mom." Casey said cheekily as she followed Alex into the bedroom.

"You only like going because you like seeing my horrible baby pictures, and she likes showing them to you."

"…then why go?"

The two had finished the rest of their morning in a small silence, and they soon found themselves pulling into the drive way of Alex's mother's home. It was a place that Casey hadn't been to in a while, and she felt slightly nervous upon seeing Alex's mother again after so long.

"Why do you look like a nervous teenager?" Alex questioned as they made their venture up the stone walkway. "It's not like you're asking her for permission to take me on a date, we're already getting married."

"I know, I know, I just haven't seen your Mom in a while, that's all." Casey offered with a small shrug.

Alex playfully rolled her eyes as she rung the doorbell, and patiently waited for her mother to come to the door. They waited patiently for a few minutes before Alex frowned and ringed the doorbell again.

"Is she home?" Casey asked as they were once again left waiting outside with no response.

"She should be." Alex murmured as she fished her key out of her pocket and inserted it into the door. She and her mom had decided a while ago, that it is best that she have a key just for safety purposes. Jennifer had thought that it was a ridiculous suggestion and was sure that she would be fine, but she relented as she realized that arguing with her daughter would have been futile.

The two women stepped into the house, and Alex immediately felt like it was far too quiet for her liking. "Mom?" she called out as she and Casey made their way through the foyer. She was trying not to panic as she got no response, but she relaxed when she saw her mother sitting on one of the sofas in the living room.

"Mom?" she called again, as she noticed that her mother was staring blankly at the wall in a manner that actually scared Alex a little. She reached out, and gently shook her mother to bring her back to reality. "Mom…"

Jennifer jumped slightly, her eyes laced with confusion for a moment before she smiled up at her daughter. "Oh, I'm sorry dear. I must not have heard the door. What are you doing here?"

Alex hesitated for a moment before she took a seat next to her mother. "I called earlier and told you that Casey and I were coming to visit, remember?"

"Casey?" the elder Cabot woman questioned, as her eyes briefly landed on the red haired woman who gave her a smile and a small wave. She eyed her curiously before turning back to her daughter. "Are you seeing someone new, Alexandra?"

Alex bit down on her lower lip at her mom's question, and she quickly glanced at Casey who was looking at her with a confused expression. She shifted on the couch and took both of her mother's hands gently in her own. "No Mom, that's Casey. She and I are getting married remember?" she explained softly, internally wincing when she saw the confused expression on the older woman's face. "She's in the military, but she was gone for a little while, that's why she wasn't here."

Jennifer was silent once again as she stared at her hands that were nestled in Alex's. She then turned to a very concerned looking Casey and gave her a warm smile. "Right, I'm sorry dear. I must have forgotten for a moment." She explained apologetically.

Casey managed to muster a smile that quickly faded when her keen senses picked up on something. "Alex, do you smell something burning?" she asked, as she immediately made her way towards the kitchen. Upon entering the kitchen her eyes widened as she saw a flaming pot atop the stove. Acting quickly, she turned off the stove, and quickly seized the blazing pot before dunking it in the water filled sink.

"Mother, what were you doing?" Alex asked fearfully, as she turned to her mother.

"Oh dear, I had put on some pasta that I wanted earlier, and I suppose that I just forgot about it." Jennifer explained shaking her head. "I didn't mean to worry you."

Alex and Casey exchanged a look before the blonde took hold of her mother's hand. "You seem tired Mom, how about you lie down in your room, and I'll make you a little snack, okay?"

Casey watched as the older woman slowly nodded her head and allowed her daughter to see her to her bedroom. She had just taken the pot out of the sink and sat it on the counter when Alex quickly reentered the kitchen. Instantly, she noticed how tense the blonde's movements were as she opened the refrigerator to pull out to ingredients for what looks like a sandwich.

There was total silence between the two of them before Alex stopped her movements and gripped the counter tightly with both of her hands. She briefly flinched when she felt arms wrap themselves around her waist, but she soon relaxed into the embrace.

"She has her good days, and her bad days." Alex explained as she knew what it was that Casey wanted to ask about. "I had hoped that this would be one of her good days. Sometimes, it's like she's getting better, but other times, I feel like she's only getting worse."

Casey allowed her lover to turn around in her arms and rest her head on her shoulder. She placed a kiss on Alex's head and held her tighter. "How long has she been like this?"

"A few months maybe. At first, it was just little stuff, little stuff that I had just assumed anyone would forget. But it changed, she'd sometimes forget where she is, but only momentarily, or she'd be in the middle of something and she'd just forget what she was doing. I wasn't sure how she would respond to me bringing you here, but she doesn't even remember you and I-oh god Case, I don't know what I'm going to do." Alex then finally broke. She clutched her lover's shirt tightly as she sobbed into the fabric. "I don't want to leave her here by herself when she's like this Casey, but she doesn't think anything is wrong. I just-I don't know what to do!"

Casey placed another kiss to the top of Alex's head and rubbed soothing circles on her back as she cried. "We'll figure it out together Baby, I promise."


	7. Chapter 7

_**Chapter Seven**_

**_((DMAA))_**

Staring forward, Casey watched in silence as Alex paced her mother's living room. It was a good size to pace in. Alex was distressed, and Casey understood as much and could appreciate where the anxiety stemmed from. "Honey, you're going to wear a hole in your mother's carpet," she chided, biting the inside of her lip. It was the third time in two days that the two women had been over to Jennifer Cabot's house. The second day, they had gone over for lunch, and though Jennifer had fallen asleep in the early afternoon, the two women had not left.

"And, if I do," Alex had pled, "and she forgets she put dinner in the oven, then what? This place might burn down. If she goes to the store, then what if she forgets where she is and can't get home. Casey, I'm worried."

"I am, too, darling, and we will help her, but we cannot help her against her will."

It had led to the near hour that Alex had been pacing. "We've got to do something, Casey. We can't keep hoping that she won't get hurt. I can't leave just to wonder if the next time I come back, the fire department is going to be at the front door."

Unfolding herself from the chair, Casey wrapped her arms around her lover. "I know, Lex, but you can't wear a hole in her carpet, either. Why don't we start with a doctor?"

"I've tried," Alex murmured. "When the doctor told me, he told me because Mom wouldn't believe him. How is going back to a doctor going to help her?"

Casey bit her lip. "Alright, well, I was hoping maybe a doctor could convince her of what you could not, getting an afternoon nurse?" She phrased it like a statement, but her tone was asking a question. She knew that would alleviate Alex's worries, but she knew, too, that Alex did not get her stubborn traits from her absentee father. They were all from Jennifer. Alex had only compounded those same traits and made it into a skilled career. Casey worried that it would be difficult to take care of the elder Cabot woman, that she would not want to be taken care of.

"Oh, yea, that's gonna work," Alex bit, immediately covering her mouth with her hands. "I'm sorry."

Turning Alex in her arms so that they were face, Casey gently kissed the blond woman's cheek. "It's okay. I know you're stressed about this. Take a deep breath, honey. Do you think she would live with us? I mean, I am home four days a week."

"The trouble is talking her into it," Alex mumbled. "Wait? You're serious. You would be okay with her living with us?"

Casey shrugged. "She's family, Alex. You don't not bend over backwards for family. Besides, I love your mother with whatever portions of my heart you haven't already captivated." Casey's hands slid down to Alex's hips, and she pulled her closer. "Everything for family, sweetie."

"They teach you that on the battlefield?"

"Not for those of us who learned it in youth. But, they're my family, too. And, you. And your mother. It's not like it would put us at hardship. We already have a two bedroom apartment, and we only use one. Keeping up this house must be difficult for Mom anyway, so it'll be a good excuse to move her somewhere smaller. "

Nodding, Alex chewed at her lip. "I suppose she might go if she thought she were doing us a favor." Alex smiled faintly. "I don't know though, lying to my mom?"

"Not lying. Come on, Alex. First of all, we both know I suck at this wedding planning thing. Ask her for help with that, to stay a month. We're closing in on the biggest deadline of our lives, and I know you made all of the reservations, but the final few touches – it'll mean a lot to your mom to help you with them, anyway."

"What about your mom?"

"I think she gave me up as a girlie girl when I announced I liked girls and was joining the military."

Alex laughed. "Yes. If we ever have a daughter and she tells us the same day she leaves for basic that she likes other women, I think I'm going to blame it all on you."

"A blame I will gladly take. I'd be proud of any child of ours who serves this country, Alex, whether they like boys, girls, neither, or anything in between."

"And, ones who don't?" A small frown, imperceptible except to Casey's knowing gaze, crossed Alex's face.

Casey smiled. "So long as our children pursue their interests and are good people, Alex, I couldn't be anything less than proud. Are you okay?"

With a shrug and a heavy sigh, Alex collapsed into the couch. "My mother is much older than yours, Casey. I understand. Jacob's only ten. But, my mom – if we have kids, I'd like to have at least one she can meet before – well, I guess her declination has me far more worried than I – Casey, I – I'm so torn up right now." Alex stumbled around her words, finally settling on something.

"I know, sweetie. We'll figure this out. Let's start with making sure your mom is safe and getting this wedding together. After that, we'll figure out the when, where, and how on kids. I think it's noble you want to give your mom a grandchild, Lex, but we also have to be ready to be parents, too."

"I know," Alex murmured. "Like I said, I'm just being a freak."

"And, you're losing sleep. When your mother wakes up, we can talk to her about staying with us, maybe just for a month to start, just until the wedding. After that, we'll see. Who knows, maybe she'll like it enough that she'll want to stay."

_Casey hovered over Alex, their bodies pressed flush, pillows, sheets and comforter knocked to the floor with their clothes. "Stay with me," Alex murmured. "Don't go." _

"_I have to," Casey said with a soft sigh. "Tomorrow morning, we fly out. It's not a dangerous mission, Alex. I'm going to Germany for a year." _

"_I'm going to miss you." _

"_You'll be okay," Casey said, a promise in her voice. She had fallen head over heels for the blond prosecutor in the months they had known each other and the even fewer months they had been dating. Their relationship was still young, though, and the warrior feared that being away for a year would be too long away. "I'll be able to phone you, Alex, and I promise you that I will." _

"_I'll answer," Alex purred, wrapping her arms around the Army woman, pulling her down for a long, slow kiss._

_Leaving the next morning was one of the hardest things Casey had done in her career with the military. She had finally found what she considered to be a girl worth coming home to, but, maybe more importantly, a girl worth fighting for. She was not out to change history or rewrite the books, but she was falling hard and fast and the bottom seemed to be nowhere in sight. _

_Nevertheless, she felt like a year was too long a time to ask someone with the intellect, compassion, and looks of Alexandra Cabot to wait, not sure if there was a possibility for true love on the chance that it might all be lust and infatuation. She did not expect Alexandra to be there to welcome her home in a year's time, and she decided, as they hugged in the airport, that she best begin to steel her heart for the inevitable. _

_Always, it started the same. Phone calls whenever Casey could manage them, and the girl on the other end would pick up each time, enthusiasm in her voice. Then, enthusiasm became duty until her phone calls were ignored every other time that she called. And, then, they were ignored more frequently until they were ignored all together and Casey just stopped calling. _

"_What's wrong, Sarge?" one of the men Casey worked with asked at chow the following day. Casey looked up at him as he sat down and shrugged. "You thinking about the pretty blond gal that saw you off?"_

"_Nope." _

"_Don't lie to me, Sarge. She wasn't your friend. She's your lover." Casey stared at the man, eyes wide. "Whoa, it's okay. Your secret is safe with me. She's cute. I can see why you went for her." _

"_Yea, well, she's not gonna be waiting for me to get back." _

_The man shook his head. Jennings. Casey remembered him because he was the son of an athlete who had had everything handed to him on a platter growing up. For the lifestyle he had led before the military, Casey was impressed with how well he handled everything. It was like he belonged. "You might be pleasantly surprised, Sarge. Don't dismiss her just yet. I saw how she looked at you. I'm pretty sure she would have fought the whole army if she thought it would keep you from being shipped over here." _

"_Yea, I guess," Casey said, switching the subject. _

_But, she had been pleasantly surprised. She had been more than pleasantly surprised. Alex answered every single phone call, sometimes with an irritable 'hello' but always a warm, breathy passion when she realized it was Casey calling. She talked to Casey like she were coming over that night to have dinner, as though she were not half a world away but working at the office building just down the street from the court house. _

_Not only was their conversation easy and natural, Alex was genuinely interested in what Casey had to say - of course, the red haired officer was equally interested in Alex, but the reverse was something Casey was not accustomed to. Then, there was the matter of Casey's return stateside a year later. Three hundred sixty five days and ten hours after she had left, Casey stepped off the plane and onto the runway, her bag slung over her shoulder as she scanned the small crowd of family and friends that had gathered, anxious to see their loved ones. _

_At first, Casey did not see Alex. But, then, standing off to the side a little, Casey saw her. Her hair was pulled back into a pony tail at the nape of her neck. Her suit looked like it belonged in a television courtroom drama or else with the upper class of the New York aristocracy, and her heels looked out of place on the asphalt. But, there she stood, holding a little sign with 'Novak' written on it. Casey smiled when she realized the sign was upside down. _

_Slowly, as if she were not sure it was real, Casey walked over to Alex. When the woman did not vanish or move away, but looked straight at her, Casey hurried her step, ending by closing the distance between them by wrapping her arm around her loyal girlfriend, their mouths meeting, bodies flushed tight. "Your sign," Casey whispered, "is upside down." _

"_I can read it," Alex protested with a smile. "Besides, you leaving. It turned my life upside down. I'm so glad you're back." They kissed again, Alex's fingers removing Casey's cap deftly in order to deepen their touch. _

_Casey smiled as they separated. "I'll always come back." _

"_Then, I'll wait," Alex murmured, lacing her fingers in Casey's and walking up the terminal. In that moment, too, Casey knew that Alex spoke the truth. She would never leave her because of her job. If they split, it would be something far less superficial. And, to top it all off, no matter how long Casey was gone, in that moment, she knew Alex would be utterly faithful to her. It was certainly a warming thought. _

Alex lay her head on Casey's stomach, her lids heavy with all of the events of the day. Casey's hands stroked over her hair, a soft, repetitive motion that Alex always found soothing. "You okay?" Casey asked.

"Yes," Alex responded, the sound automatic. "I mean, no. I don't know. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. No matter what, I'm out numbered, and I'm not going to win. I have no chance of willing."

"Nonsense. As long as you keep fighting, you always have a chance at winning. Let me in on your war, Alex, and I'll fight by your side," Casey offered, her hand slowing and stopping on Alex's shoulder.

Alex shrugged. "My mother, this case at work –"

"Tell me about the case," the soldier offered.

"It's this guy the detectives are trying to find. He's a serial rapist, leaving a string of women in the wake of his destructive path between twenty and forty years old. We have this psychologist on loan from the FBI, and he can't even make heads or tails of the MO. These women deserve closure, and I want to bring it to them, but I can't. The detectives can't, and it's all so frustrating."

Casey sighed. "You know, you and your detectives are on a different kind of front line, a different battle field than the one I used to romp, but you're right. It is a battle field, nonetheless, and, Alex, you will win. Maybe not you. Maybe not these detectives. But, you guys keep leading the war, and this side, your side, will ultimately win."

"Every bad guy we put away, Casey, there's another one waiting to take his place. For every woman, man, or child who is raped in this country, there stands one who isn't but who might be. How do you fight against such losing odds?"

Smiling, Casey tucked her finger under Alex's chin, wiping her thumb over her lips. "Honey, stop fighting against the odds. Start fighting for the victims. Sometimes, all that matters is that you fight for something or someone, that they are a the forefront of your mind when you take up arms."

"I guess," Alex murmured, looking up to her lover as she rolled on the couch from her side to her back, head still in Casey's lap. "It's just strange."

"Have you ever tried to get around our apartment in the dark?" Casey asked.

"What do you mean?" Alex asked.

Shaking her head, Casey reassured, "Nothing cryptic. Just a straight forward question."

"I guess, yea."

"You bump into stuff, right?" Alex nodded. "But, you don't bump into stuff when it's light out?"

"No." Alex's tone suggested she had no idea what Casey was talking about.

"Well, that's my point. You're fighting a battle in your city, your home arena, some place you're familiar with and comfortable with. You're fighting with laws you know intimately as your weaponry. You feel like this should be easy to navigate, but it's not. And, it's not because you're fighting in the dark. You bump into things because even though it's familiar to you, it's foreign. You're playing by a set of rules he doesn't have. It's the same thing with your mother, honey. She's familiar, comfortable. You know how to take care of her when you have all the answers. But, right now, we don't have all the answers. You're fighting that war just as much in the dark as you're fighting the crime war. It makes known lands foreign."

"So, how do I win?" Alex asked.

To that, Casey smiled. "You keep doing what you're doing," she said as though it were the most obvious answer in the world.

"Oh?"

"The greatest weapon you have, Alex, is your compassion and your dedication to your battles. You're like a legendary Valkyrie, honey. Once you go to war, nothing will turn you back."

Looking up as Casey looked down, Alex felt stricken. If there were ever a moment she were confused and wanted to be ill all at once, that was it. "It doesn't feel like it's enough."

"Truth is, sweetie, it's not enough. But, you are your strongest ally in these things. Your knowledge of the law will help you in these cases. Your ability to convince jurors of the shielded truth will help you. What's going to help those women is that you pour your heart and soul into their cases. What's going to help your mother is that you just love her. And, for whatever you need me, General, I await orders."

Rising up on her elbows, Alex kissed Casey. It was chaste and quick because she was not at a good angle to really kiss her, but Casey understood what her lover needed, and she bent, capturing Alex's mouth with her own. "Thank you," Alex whispered.

Casey smiled. Every single thing she had waited for, grabbed, missed, or forgot in life, she was grateful for because each one of those had led her to her place on the couch, brought her closer to Alex. Every sleepless night deployed and every worry she had felt about Alex being there when she got back slipped away like a nightmare. Thick and thin, they were there for each other.


End file.
